Gnome Pun Intended.

I hate Elton John. I appreciate his music, there’s nothing like a bit of ‘Saturday’ to get you ready for, well, Saturday. This aside Elton John brought a childhood recurring nightmare of mine to life and into the mainstream. Those who aren’t in the know might be surprised to find out that he owns a production company by the name of Rocket Pictures. Rocket Pictures is a company that specialise in horror and brought the world films such as “Gnomeo and Juliet” and “Sherlock Gnomes”. Horror retellings of famous literary masterstrokes. But Rhys “what’s so scary about a childish redressing of Shakespeare or Doyle with gnomes?” I hear you say.

What isn’t scary about that.

Anthropomorphic gnomes.

Those innocent porcelain fishermen and gardeners that sit at the bottom of the garden silently. Biding their time, gaining your trust with smiles and garden-work. Waiting for your guard to drop and then BAM! They’re shooting lasers from their eyes and trying to kill your sister.

This reimagining of pop culture with gnomes has to stop. Now. It has already ruined the most iconic love story (SPOILERS: they live happily ever after) and ruined one of Britain’s favourite fictitious sons. What is going to be “Gnomed” next? Are we going to see a determined deranged gnome go through hell and high water for a pay check, taking satisfaction in killing fellow gnomes in Gnome Country for Old Men? How about a TV game show where there’s boxes containing fishing rods and new stupid hats as prizes in Deal or Gnome Deal with Gnome Edmunds? Why don’t we rewrite everything we know about human language acquisition and apply it to Gnomes instead? I hear Gnome Chomsky has a few things to say on the matter.

Gardens are for plants, they are for pets and children to play in. Not for weird rosy cheeked creeps to sit there and fish. THERE’S NOT EVEN POND TO FISH IN, YOU’RE FISHING A PLANT. Idiot.

My hatred for Gnomes is not discriminative, stone fairies and pixies are stupid as well. We all know fairies just aren’t that big. And don’t even get me started on lawn flamingos.